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Trashwire writer Greg Garner lives in Kentucky, where each year the world seems to be put on pause and turn all it's attention to the Kentucky Derby. Each year, Greg attends various Derby events and makes up his own names for horses. This year was no different and Trashwire brings you.... Greg's Derby Diary. I am on the scene at the Kentucky Derby. I am going to watch the Derby on TV this afternoon. The weather is horrible. It is rainy and there are going to be thunderstorms. This means that the infield (the section open to the general public) will turn into a giant mud pit and the drunken frat boys and their gal pals will decide to have a mud fight. So pretty. So classy. This year Queen Elizabeth will be here. She will be wearing a Derby Hat, but everyone is keeping what it looks like a big secret. Since Queen Elizabeth wears a Derby Hat everyday I am not sure how we will know that it is a special Derby Hat and not just some hat that she wore on her state visit to Uzbekistan and decided was too good to give to the Goodwill. I mean, Americans don’t keep track of this sort of thing. Wouldn’t it be horrible if Americans were thrilled to see the Queen in her Derby Hat, but behind our backs the Brits were snickering and saying “Stupid Yanks! That’s the hat she wore at the grand opening of Harrod’s Tashkent!” I am also worried about the Queen seeing the infield mudfight. This will not make a good impression. Last night was the Barnstable Brown party. It is the number one Derby Party to go to. Cybill Shepherd was there and Jenny McCarthy, too. But the star last night was new celebrity and hometown boy Larry Birkhead, who actually met Anna Nicole Smith at the same party four years ago. He is moving back here with the baby to be closer to his family. Kid Rock is always here as well, but Pamela Anderson won’t come anymore because we eat chicken. So what are my plans for the day? Well, first of all I have to find someone to drink bourbon with. None of my Kentucky friends like bourbon. I would like to have one mint julep, in a Derby cup, as is proper. After all, the Derby is all about tradition. And speaking of tradition, there is an important Trashwire tradition to consider. I don’t bet on horses, and I never know the names of the horses that are running, so every year I make up my own horses and bet in my head. Here is this year’s roster. 1. Does That Hurt? 2. Stephanie’s Boil 3. Licky Lou 4. No You Din’t 5. Paternity Test 6. It’s Just A Cold 7. Hamster Wheel 8. Clive and Jasmine 9. Maybe Later 10. My Chemical Horse-pants 11. Sneeze Guard 12. Not Here You Won’t 13. Judy’s Snickerdoodles 14. Pastalicious 15. Horse Brutality There are 20 horses in the real Derby but I stopped at 15. The race in my head can have as many or as few horses as I want, after all.
The next day
Well, the weather held off and the infield did not become a huge mud pit. The Queen did not get to watch girls in shorty-shorts roll about mud wrestling. I think this is for the best. A horse called Street Sense zoomed up at the last minute and won. Nobody had even mentioned Street Sense until then. I guess if you had placed a bet on him then you would now be semi-rich. Or maybe not. I don’t understand horse betting stuff. I do know, however, that My Chemical Horse-Pants won the Derby In My Head this year. If you betted (sp? real word?) a lot of imaginary money on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you are now officially an imaginary millionaire. You can quit your job, if you have one, you can sell your car, if you have one, you can tell your friends to drop dead, if you have any. Basically, by betting in your head on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you can have anything you want. As long as it is in your head.
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